Wednesday, March 3, 2010

My Healing Process






Please Note: this is a blog and I update the story often.
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I thought this would be a great way for me to share some thoughts and let some of you know what's happening in my world.
Many of you already know but some not, that my little boy Oscar passed away this past Monday. The time was 11:50 AM at the Uptown Animal Hospital on North Clark St.
Osci's vet for the past 4 yrs. has been Dr. Jim Dickes. I can only say great things about Dr. Dickes as he's given my boy the best care any pet owner could ask for.
Osci's problems started about 3 months ago with a grand mal seizure lasting nearly 1 hr. & 20 minutes. Yes that seizure alone should have killed him or at least left him with lasting brain damage, as seizures should never last that length of time. But he pulled thru and life was fine.
Then, as time progressed - Osci started losing his ability to find his food & water bowl, remembering that outside is where you should go to the bathroom, losing his ability to remember commands/words, unable to walk on a leash, etc.
Yes my boy had been diagnosed with a brain tumor. Of course I thought the vet MUST be wrong. NOT my boy.....no way ! I searched and searched the internet for other possibilites for his ailment. Even going to the extent of buying & borrowing sage and smudging the condo. This may sound extreme to some, not so much to others.
But needless to say - all my attempts to find another reason had failed. It was obvious that the vet was right with his diagnosis and yes I was mortified at the thought of losing my boy. As trying as the last couple of weeks were - I'd do them all over again just to have two MORE weeks with him now.
So at 11:50 AM this past Monday, the first day of the month of March, I carried my boy of 9 yrs. into the vet's office for the very last time.
As I sat there waiting for my name to be called, I remember hearing Lionel Richie singing Dancing on the Ceiling on the office muzak.....and I thought to myself that it would be a LONG time before I would be doing any dancing on any ceiling OR FLOOR for that matter.
As I sat in the lobby with my friend Jeff next to me - I didn't want to talk. I only wanted to be IN the moment with Osci. I held my lips to his head and closed my eyes, hoping this was all a terrible nightmare.
But as I heard the name "Oscar" being called by the desk attendant, I opened my eyes and reality hit me HARD!
Suddenly I had a flash thought, that I could just walk out now and give myself one more week with him. Even with his problems, I just wanted a little more time with my baby. But my selfish thought quickly gave way to Osci's needs.
I stood and with weak knees walked toward Chris the attendant. He led us to examining room #4. "The doctor will be in shortly", was his standard line.
The door closed and it was silent and I was alone with my boy, be it for but a brief moment though.
I held his face, his beautiful, beautiful face in my hands and gave him a big kiss. I leaned closer to his long ear and whispered, "PLEASE forgive me babyboi".
I pulled back and looked at him as I'd maybe never looked at him before. He just stared at me. Just completely stared at me as if he knew what I had said.
Even at this most critical moment in his life, my boy had the most soulful eyes.
Well, I completely lost it ! Sobbing like an idiot.
I covered his face with kisses the way he was so famous all of his life for covering MY face with kisses.
"Can I go thru with this really ????" I thought aloud, still holding that beautiful head of his so gently.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door and Dr. Dickes emerged. "How's our little guy doing today", another standard line but a required one.
After explaining Osci's negatives and very few positives, Dr. Dickes looks at me and asks me what I'm thinking.
I knew I wouldn't be able to talk without sobbing in the process, so I had typed and printed out a letter for him to read.
He read the letter with great interest. He looked at me and in total agreement shook his head and said, "Rex, I think it's the best thing to do. We've tried everything and nothing seems to work".
I looked at him and said thru the tears, "what's the next step?".
He said very matter of factly, "well, I'll give Osci a shot to make him drowsy and then I'll administer an IV. It should take about 5 - 10 minutes total".
I thought, ten minutes erase 9 yrs. of living ?
Dr. Dickes left the room and closed the door. Osci looked at me calmly. I threw my arms around him and just held him. "How have we come to this moment", is all I could think of. This sort of thing happens to other people and their pets, NOT ME!
NOT ME, Damnit !!
Another knock on the door. In came Dr. Dickes and his assistant Kirk.
The doctor was holding a syringe.
"OH MY GOD!", is what I said aloud as I saw the syringe. The reality of the moment suddenly rushed upon me. Not until that syringe entered the room was it
a true reality.
"Moments from now I am not going to have my baby", is all I could think of.
Without many words spoken, the doctor gave little Osci an injection with the dreaded syringe."I'll be back in a couple of minutes with the IV, Rex", the doctor said upon leaving the small room.
"Oh please take your time, doctor", was the only thing I thought of, thus affording me even one more precious moment with this incredible, little creature that lay before me.
Alone again for one last but brief moment ! I lay my body across the exam table, literally. Smothering my babyboy with my own torso. I could feel his warmth on my chest & stomach, bringing to mind the many afternoon naps we had taken on the sofa together. Yes, Oscar was one of the best cuddlers I've ever experienced or ever will.
My mind was racing like never before. "This is it!", was all I could think of. I was literally a sponge at that moment, trying to absorb every last little detail, thought and memory I could.
I was shielding my baby with my body like a mother hen would shield her chicks from danger.
Another knock ! In came the same two men but this time the doctor was holding a small IV and needle. As I stood up, I tried not to look at the needle. It scared the hell out of me. I actually tried not to look at either of the two men, for my main focus was stretched out on the table before me.

Dr. Dickes moved closer and instructed me to move to Osci's head.
His little head was weak and his eyes were lazy, barely able to open them.
The doctor asked me to hold his head and stroke his face....so that Oscar could smell me and it would keep him calm.

I didn't want him to be calm !!!!! I wanted him to jump up and say what the hell are you people doing, trying to kill me ?
I wanted my baby to fight. Possibly show us that he does have more life in him than we're giving him credit for. I wanted Osci to fight this terrible idea we've come up with. But, it was not meant to be.

He was weak from the syringe and now the final stage was coming closer.

Doctor Dickes moved swiftly and professionally. He knew that dragging out the process was not good for Oscar or ME.

Just as he inserted the IV needle into his rear right hind leg, I leaned in and placed my lips on his nose. I left my lips there and sobbed.
The guilt I was feeling was beyond belief. Never in a million years would I have ever thought I would take my boy's life away from him. NEVER !
But I had done just that.

The doctor and Kirk remained silent while I slobbered over my baby.

They stood still in a very respectful way and for that I will always be grateful.

Minutes passed and I heard Dr. Dickes ask Kirk if he would get a plastic carrier.

Kirk left the room and Dr. Dickes came over to me as I stood up. He told me it was the right thing to do. He came forward and gave me a warm hug, a genuine gesture I'm sure.

I pulled away to go back to my boy. I rubbed his belly as he always loved me to do.

I wanted that moment to last forever. But, inevitably, Kirk re-entered with the carrier.

He sat it on the table and opened it up. It was basically a plastic box with hinges and a handle. It sat on the stainless steel exam table next to my baby.

The doctor asked me if I wanted Osci's baby blanket inside the carrier. I replied, "of course".
He's slept under that blankey for the past 9 yrs. and why would this final sleep be any different ?

I put the 3'x3' baby blanket covered in teddy bears, inside the plastic carrier.

Kirk put a blue hospital pad covered in blue plastic on top of the blanket.

Next, Dr. Dickes told Kirk to put Oscar inside the carrier. Kirk moved forward and began to pick up my boy.

"NO", I said in a gush of tears. "He's my baby, I'll do that". Kirk stepped back.

I picked up both ends of my Oscar and lifted him into the carrier. I had never in my life felt my baby so lifeless. His spirit was gone. Only left was this beautiful shell.
A shell that I loved with all my heart.

I placed my boy gently into the carrier taking care not to hurt him in any way.

Oscar deserved this....he deserved to be handled delicately and gingerly.

I began to wail at this moment but I quickly brought it under control. The doctor moved a box of tissues closer to me.

At that moment I noticed little Oscar had lost some of his bowel control.

The doctor started to clean it up with some paper towels. "I will take care of that",
I said. And I cleaned up the mess without hesitation.
Just as a mother would clean up her child.
It was the right thing to do. I had always been a hands on dad, this was no time to stop.

I closed the lid of the carrier and locked both of the sliding latches. The deed was done. Nothing else needed to be said and I was in no condition to chat.

The doctor rubbed my back as I left the small exam room, quickly bolting thru the door.

I rushed thru the lobby with Oscar in hand. "I'm ready, Jeff", is all I said as I walked thru the glass exit door.

The cool Winter air felt so good on my damp face. I was finally out of there and yes I still had my boy with me.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
(Thursday, March 4th, 2010 Update)
Parked immediately in front of the office, I opened the back door of the car. I gently placed the carrier on the back seat, making sure it was secure and stable.
I climbed into the passenger seat and my friend slid behind the wheel.
"Where do we go from here?" asked my friend. I gave him the printed directions and the car began to move. I asked if we could stop by the 7/11 as I needed something to drink. "Sure", my friend replied.
Once onto Lake Shore Dr., the ride was pretty smooth. Jeff, my friend wanted to stop by his condo on the way to let his dog Toby, out for quick minute.
"Not a problem", I said. "take your time, please". We were running very early since we didn't have to be at the pet crematorium for another 2.5 hrs.
3:15 PM was our appointment time. A time I was NOT looking forward to.
After having a moment of instant realization that my baby is in the backseat and we're taking him to a crematorium, well, that was almost more than I could fathom.
Less than 30 minutes ago I was holding his warm body close to mine. He was alive and curious. Now I'm afraid, he's headed but for one more appointment basically as terrible as the first. Total destruction of the body.
And I was the one behind this pre-meditated nightmare we were on. How could I have put this plan into action ? Did I have no sense of compassion ? Remorse ?
How could I be so cold to the one thing in life that I loved the most ?
I was beating myself UP inside. I hated myself for the next 33 miles.
I was ashamed to call myself "dad". What father would do this to their baby?
How on this Earth would I ever come to grips with the fact of having my darling Oscar murdered ? This was not going to be easy !
"One day", I thought.....one day I'll have the chance to hold my darling boy and beg his forgiveness. But for now, I'm so ashamed.
The ride continued and we near my friend's condo. We pulled into a parking space and Jeff assumed I'm going into the building with him.
"No thanks, go ahead without me, I'm going to wait here".
"And take your time!" I said.
The door closed and I waited until he was out of sight. I then quickly opened the passenger door and got out.
I walked around the rear of the car and opened the rear left back door and slid in, closing it gently behind me.
My heart was beating so hard, I could literally hear it in my ears. I was sitting next to my little boy and it was just the two of us, once again. The way it should be, I thought.
I sat there numb. The car is quiet. I lay my hand on top of the carrier. Tears pour down my cheeks as I rub the top of the plastic.
How unfair to be sitting next to my Osci and I can't even see him.
"And why can't I ? ", I thought.
I wiped the tears away with one brief pass of my hand.
I had pulled myself together at this point and I knew what I had to do.
I had to see my baby boy NOW ! There was absolutely no way I was NOT going to open that carrier. Just to rub his belly once more. Just to let him know I'm here.
---------------------------------------------------
"Am I wrong to open this carrier and see my boy once more?", I thought.
In less than two hours his beautiful body won't even exist ! "Years from now I'll wish I had", I reasoned to myself.
He's my dog....I own the right to do whatever I wish with him. If opening this carrier and being in the presence of this sleeping angel will help me get thru the rest of this tragic day, then I must do it.
I must put aside my fears of the unknown! Because what lies within this plastic dome is really quite unknown to me. Except for the fact I know this is my baby, what I will see is not certain in my mind.
These fears did NOT slow me down. I was a determined father. I examined the carrier with great concern. How it was sitting on the seat, the angle, the position of the latches, the direction for which the lid would swing & also the slant of the automobile seat itself.
I was suddenly a physics professor trying to determine how to open, in what direction, etc.
The time was wasting and I knew my friend would be back very shortly.
Would he object to me opening the carrier and giving Osci my love?
Who knows....but I wasn't willing to take the chance, PLUS: I wanted to do this alone. Just me and my boy.
I slid the left latch open and moved swiftly to the second one. It slid with ease as well. The position of the carrier was situated so that the lid would swing toward the backside of the passenger seat. I raised the plastic carrier lid.
Inside, before my eyes, lay the most beautiful vision I had ever seen.
The glow surrounding my baby was incredible. He was at peace. A sleeping angel.
No more pain, no more dis-orientation, no more anything.
His Earthly needs were gone. Never again would he take two pills a day, never again would he cry from me cutting his nails, never again would he start to shiver when he saw the vacuum coming.
And most importantly, never again would he ever have to endure the pain and stress I'd put him thru on this most horrific day today.
Because of me, Because of me, Because of me.
The only thing I could think of was the reason he was in this motionless state, headed for even MORE trauma in a short two hours from now.
I reached my right hand toward the fuzzy fur on his belly. This was always the
area he LOVED me to rub.
It brought comfort to him when he was so sick during the past few months, so it only seemed normal to continue this practice.
I rubbed his cute, little plump belly slowly. To my delighted surprise, he was as warm as always. My boy was warm!
Of course not knowing anything about forensics, I had no idea how long this would last. And I didn't care for that matter. He was warm NOW. Warm as his usual self.
Of course, in the back of my mind I wanted to shake him and wake him up. Warn him of the impending doom that lie ahead that afternoon. But there would be no shaking. No calling his name to arouse him. I wasn't fooling myself during this brief moment.
Reality had begun to set in for me. Harsh reality, I might add.
So for the next five minutes, with tears in my eyes and my hand on Osci's belly, I enjoyed the still and quiet of the moment.........My racing heart had calmed down
by this time and I was feeling a little more relaxed with my lifeless son.
There were no thoughts in my mind now.
All my thoughts had vanished. Just as my hopes and dreams for Osci had vanished. I was empty. Utterly empty. I could offer my boy nothing more, for the last thing I had given him was unfortunately, DEATH.
This is the one thought I would have to carry with me and remember for the rest of my entire life.
There was no turning back now. The crematorium was awaiting our arrival.
I had to follow thru with the pre-mediatated scenario I had created for this day. Steps were in place and I was the choreographer making sure each scene played into the next within a short time frame.
Assuming my friend would be coming to the car very soon, I had to end my reunion with my boy Oscar.
As I gently gave his belly one last rub, I reached for the lid of the carrier.
Upon closing it, I noticed he had seeped a little more back there.
I had read somewhere this was common, but it was still of great concern to me.
Not quite sure what to do about it, I filed it away in the back of my mind and closed the lid, sliding the two latches to their locked positions.
I pulled a tissue from my shirt pocket and wiped my eyes and opened the rear car door.
As I stood on the pavement and softly closed the door behind me, I noticed my friend was emerging from the building.
I got into the front seat and waited quietly.
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We rolled from our parking space and once again the plan was in motion.
From the digital time on my cell phone it appeared
we had approximately 1 hr. & 50 minutes before the appointment.
We were running early and I was happy about that.
We made our way across the southwest side of the city
and came to the village of Willowbrook.
This was the suburb with the crematorium.
Such a pretty and peaceful name for such a
business like this to be located, I thought.
Driving down the street with only two miles
to go, I said to my friend we were still too early.
He agreed and said we could stop at the Whole Food
that we had just passed and kill some time.
"A great idea", I said.
Of course my mind was working overtime at this point.
I was thinking about Osci in the back seat and the fact
that he was a little soiled bothered me something fierce.
I had put my boy to death today, ending his life in a matter of minutes.
He deserved better than I had offered him.
He deserved all that I could give at this point.
He deserved respect as far as I was concerned.
We pulled into the Whole Foods parking lot and slowly
came to a stop. We got out of the car and I still didn't
have my Winter coat on. I had taken it off 20 minutes earlier when I had gotten into the back seat the very first time.
The weather was quite cool but I felt fine in long sleeves. To be quite honest,
the outside temperature was the least of my worries.
We entered the store and once inside, Jeff said he was
hungry and wanted to stop by the food bar.
I said, "fine, but could I have your car keys please?"
He asked me why and i said, "Oscar is soiled and I want
to clean him up before we arrive at the crematorium."
"Rex, are you kidding?" he replied.
"They're use to that sort of thing there, trust me." he said.
"They may be use to it yes, but I'm NOT.", was my reply.
He handed me the keys and I walked to the paper aisle of the store.
I picked up a container of pop-up cleaning cloths and thought this would do
the job nicely. I had to search to find the
unscented ones, since I didn't want my boy smelling like lavender.
With my friend nowhere in sight, I went to the 10 items or less line.
Once thru the line, I grabbed some extra plastic bags and my pop-ups and out the door I walked. "I'm going to be fine." I thought. I can handle this with no problem. With what I had done to this gentle creature today, this was the least I could do for him. No way in hell was I going to arrive at his appointment with him all soiled. What kind of father would I be ?
I climbed into the back seat just as before. The specifics of the carrier and it's location, angle, etc. had already been figured out from my last visit to the backseat. I was there to do a job and I'm going to complete the task at hand.
I opened the carrier lid and propped it against the passenger seatback. It stayed in place. My little angel still in his fetal position, looking as peaceful as ever.
I just stared at him for a minute, maybe five.
My emotions were surprisingly under control with only a small tear or two having fallen. I opened the pop-ups and proceeded to clean my boy.
I really didn't give the task a second thought, honestly. This was certainly a sad part of life and a necessary one as far as I was concerned.
"You're all clean now, babyboy", I said.
With the job completed and my boy all fresh and tidy, I rubbed his belly once more.
His body was a bit cooler than I had anticipated. This distressed me more than the soiling did, truthfully. After one last slow, mournful glance at my boy, I slowly lowered the plastic lid and slid the latches to their locked positions.
After tossing my garbage into the dumpster outside of the store, I went inside and washed up in the public restroom. I found my friend munching on pizza and a bag of popcorn in the little dining area adjacent to the food bar. I sat down and we quietly chatted for a bit, mostly small talk basically. There was no mention of Oscar during that time. Not surprisingly, most people don't like to speak of or about anyone or anything after death. This always confused me. Within 15 minutes, we decided it was time to head down the road to the final appointment of the day. If I had any strength left in this stressed out body of mine, this was going to be the time to draw upon it.
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My life with my physical Oscar was about to come to an end. No more would i ever have the chance to see his face or rub his plump, little belly. The day has been a whirlwind of destruction to say the least. I feel like a taker, not a giver. I've taken his life in the blink of an eye. Now I'm just moments away from taking his physical form as well. What I have done to this little character in one day is beyond comprehension. Death and destruction !
I love this little boy so much, it's beyond description. I know that what I'm doing today is because of love, it's because of caring, it's because my boy was hurting and not enjoying his life any longer. Even still, I'll carry with me forever the fact that I was responsible for the tragic date of 03.01.2010. I shall be the lamenting father until my dying day.
The tick, tick, tick of the left arrow on the turn signal was like the warning siren for the approaching address. We had arrived.
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We make the dreaded left turn. The first thing I see are tombstones. Hundred upon hundreds of tombstones. Large ones, small ones, unique ones too. And no human remains beneath these granite markers. Only pets are buried here. The amount of pet tombstones in this cemetery is truly staggering. I know there must be over 500 in total. Maybe closer to a thousand. As we round the drive and come upon the single story complex, I notice a middle aged man digging a grave of small proportion. His job nearly complete, he is standing and observing his work. He glances as I get out of the car, possibly no doubt, he wonders if our visit would involve him digging another grave this day. "Not to worry.", I think to myself, "Ours is going to be to-go." As beautiful and peaceful as this cemetery is, no way am I planning on leaving my boy in this unfamiliar territory. He's coming home with me. I enter the building and a chime rings as I walk thru the doorway. Nothing Offensive, just a warning that someone has arrived. Directly ahead, there is a cordoned-off hallway that contains two beautiful setters of some sort. I walk over and they are both gracious with thier licks. Beautiful and gentle dogs they are. A sweet woman walks over and introduces herself to me. She tells me her dogs love attention and I tell her we all do, honestly. She smiles and introduces her dogs as Lucy and Katie. What a great welcome for me, as my Mom's name was Lucille. I was feeling somewhat better now. Those two dogs were an awesome welcome wagon for the business. I excuse myself and walk over to the office to talk with the young receptionist inside. She invites me in and I sit and talk with her for about ten minutes. She is a lovely young woman and very caring it seems. She fills out the paperwork and asks if I would like to view the cremation? "Ummm.....sure", I said. She asks about an urn for Osci's remains and we walk out into the hallway where they have a glass display case with all the unique containers inside. I choose a handsome cherry box with a glass picture holder on the front. She quotes me the price and we head back into the office to finalize the paperwork. She tells me to bring Osci's body into the viewing room thru the side door and she would give me ten minutes to say my last goodbyes."Great", I thought. I really needed one last moment with my boy. I walked outside and lifted the plastic carrier from the backseat. I walked around to the side door entrance and then directly into the viewing room. The secretary was there waiting for me and said, "after ten minutes someone will come to get Oscar". She walked out of the small room and closed the door. I slid the two latches and lifted the top of the carrier. There was my little boy Oscar. "If only he were sleeping", I thought. I'd grab him and run right out of this firepit. But I knew his spirit was gone now and I was here for a reason. So I sat down on the bench next to my boy and rubbed his plump belly one very last time. I said a sweet goodbye while choking back a sudden burst of tears. Minutes later, a knock on the door. It was an older gentleman with gray hair and glasses. "I'm ready to start the process", is all he said initially. Then he asked if I wanted to view the cremation. "Well...of course", I stammered. He disappeared into the warehouse and suddely the blind on the little 2x2 window was raised. Through the window I see two huge cremation furnaces. The warehouse was spotless and the equipment was of high quality.He comes back into the room and I hand the carrier to him. "Would you like the baby blanket to go into the furnace also, sir?", he asks. Staring at the man for a brief moment, I say, "No, I want to take that home with me, please". He nods and then disappears with my Oscar. Seconds later, I see thru the tiny window the gentleman setting the carrier onto the stainless steel table next to the furnace. He raises the door of the furnace by using a round wheel crank. Then, he proceeds to pick up my boy in a very respectful and gentle fashion and places him inside the furnace and onto the cement slab. I say a little prayer as he lowers the door by turning the crank once more but in the opposite direction. He then turns two knobs and pulls one lever. The end to this horrible day had finally come. Never again shall I see that beautiful red coat or those incredibly soulful eyes. Never again, is all I could think. The man knocks once more and returns the carrier and baby blanket to me. He informs me the cremation process would take approximately 30 minutes. He also tells me he would be opening the furnace door in 15 minutes for just a brief moment, and I have the option of watching or not. He would let me know by a hand gesture, he says. I made a point to turn away when he gave the gesture. The cremation process had come to an end. The furnace was turned off and the door opened. The man used a tool to remove Oscar's ashes and put them into a small motorized machine. He turned on the machine for about 60 seconds. He then drained the ash from the machine thru a funnel and into a stainless steel container. From this container he put Oscar's ashes into a plastic bag and tied it with a twist tie.Then, he put the plastic bag containing the ashes into the cherry urn I had chosen earlier. He secured the bottom lid with two small screws to hold the ashes inside, and put the urn back into the cardboard box from which it originally came. He used packing tape and secured the box opening. He then placed the box into a beautiful dark green paper bag with handles. Also including a condolence card and some literature about the company. Afterward, he came into the tiny room once more. He handed me the bag and shakes my hand and says, "I'm truly sorry for your loss". My long, sad day had finally come to a tragic close.
A new way of living I would have to learn without my Oscar. For 9 years I never thought of myself first, only second. I will miss the joy, the light, the energy that radiated from the little creature I called my "son". Certain, I know Osci's energy and spirit will live on forever, just as yours and mine will live on forever. And yes I know at some point, I shall re-unite with my little boy in one form or another, for all energy continues - never dying, never in pain, never wanting for anything. So, if there is ANY cause for me to look forward to the end of my own life, without doubt it would be for the reason of once again being with my beautiful, happy boy named Oscar.
Of course no one knows for certain what the afterlife holds for us, but if by chance I am in the presence of that little 12 lbs. of bouncing, licking joy once more - I shall take comfort in knowing that yes, there is a GOD.
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FINAL ENTRY: April 28th, 2010
Sorry it's taken me a while to finish my blog and update you on my trip to the Oregon Coast. It was a very awesome trip needless to say. I saw all of my great friends & we shared in some food and love together.
On April 6th, I drove to the coast with my friend Wayne. The little coastal town of Seaside is 74 miles west of Portland and I can make the drive in 1 hr. and 18 minutes (my personal best).If you remember earlier in the blog, I mentioned that Seaside is the town where I lived with Oscar for quite a while and it's the town I lived in when Osci came into my life.
So it only seemed fitting that this is where he should be forever. He loved running on the beach and exploring, but he never liked going near the water's edge. He knew that was danger and stayed far away. Only once did an incoming tide surprise him and he got soaked and from that moment on, he loved the beach but stayed clear of the water. The water on the coast is a cool 55-58 degrees year round. Even in the middle of August, it's too cold to swim. Some vacationers brave the cold and dive in, but they're not in for long.
So on April 6th, we made the drive to Seaside to take my boy home.
We parked in a space facing the Ocean on Ave G. I had purchased a white helium balloon and with a black marker wrote: Oscar - Goodbye ole pal, on the balloon and attached a picture of Osci onto the string at the bottom of the balloon.
My plan was to set the balloon free on the beach and hopefully it would take the picture of Oscar up into the clouds and disappear.
Well, that was my plan. We walked the path through the thick seagrass and made our way to the beach. It was a beautiful partly-sunny day and there was a mild breeze blowing.
With balloon in one hand and Osci's ashes in the other, we had reached our final destination. My friend Wayne held the video camera & filmed while I released the balloon into the air. It started off slow and I was concerned it wouldn't make it into the clouds with the 4x4 photo attached. But, in a matter of seconds the balloon was lifting higher and higher and soon was out of sight & had disappeared into the clouds.
It was truly a beautiful event. (If you watch the video on YouTube, notice the cloud in which the balloon disappears into - it's shape looks just like Oscar).
Seaside was Osci's original home and now he was up above the town looking down (at least in my mind).
Now it was time to spread the ashes onto the beach. I had never done this sort of thing before but I was sure to do it downwind needless to say. There was approximately one cup of ashes sealed inside the plastic bag.
I removed the twist tie and walked slowly on the beach and began to tilt the bag so the ashes would fall slowly onto the sand. With constant movement, I emptied the contents of my boy from the bag and immediately felt a great sense of relief. My Oscar was home now. He had come full circle. We started in Seaside when he was a bouncing ball of energy at 5 months old, and now he had returned for eternity to the place he loved. I will always remember this area of the beach and when I return to visit as I do most years, I will walk upon this area and hopefully feel the love & spirit of my best friend named Oscar. Rest in Peace my little pal.
I'm sure our energy never dies (blog title), it continues to live on forever in one form or another.
When my own energy is finished with this shell it's currently using, hopefully I can then reunite with Oscar and we can exist once again, together forever.
This concludes the blog I've been writing for the last couple of months. Thanks to everyone for following along with the various updates. You've been so kind to leave comments and express how reading this blog has brought tears and memories of your own losses.
Losing something or someone we love is truly the hardest thing we must deal with in our lifetime. We can lose our jobs / our houses / our cars / even our fortunes, but losing a love has no comparison.
I've posted two videos of the release of Oscar's ballon on the beach on my YouTube page. Here are the links for both if you'd like to take a peek. Thanks again everyone....REX-------------
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